Miracles and Beans

Anyone expecting the Big warm-hearted Society to spring from a land ravaged by cuts to every conceivable service that promotes societal well-being, must be wildly optimistic or believe in miracles.

No longer exceptional events, miracles have become commodities, like tinned food. Pop along to the Beneficial Veracious Christ Church Miracle Centre in Peckham and you’re practically guaranteed a miracle, if that’s what you want.  Well, who doesn’t fancy a miracle?  Oh, and look, two tins of beans for the price of one.  

Puff Daddy and the Peckham Pigeon

The Peckham pigeon

Doesn't strut

She's not that vain

Too busy dodging traffic

On one good leg

The other's lame

Arse in the air

Thick around the middle

A waddle

A flutter

Of feathers the colour of lead

But

It has to be said

To Puff Daddy she's the bee's knees

He fans his tail

Extends his chest

Coos his caress

To his one true love

His mate: the Peckham Pigeon

Dancing to his own tune

It’s silly to have written about the Grand Prix Priest (see previous blog) and not to have included a photo of him. Here are two. Neither is a good snap, but they will give you the idea. He’s a great exponent of dancing, but having watched his jig several times, I am at a loss to describe it. Certainly, chutzpah comes into it. But, the Dancing Priest is on to something. He’s on to dancing!

Defrocked Nunhead Priest

This gentleman (apologies for missing head) is a follower of the Grand Prix priest. If you don’t know who he is, Google will enlighten you. And if you need a good laugh, look at YouTube’s ‘The Dancing Priest’. Cornelius (known as Neil) Horan used to be a priest at the Catholic church in Nunhead… until he was defrocked. Apparently, he was defrocked because of his self-appointed mission to warn about the end of the world. Despite the loss of his priestly status, Horan has carried on with spreading his message through other means, notably running on to the track at Silverstone during the British Grand Prix as well as other attempts at the Olympics Marathon, the Derby and Football World Cup. When he’s not running, he’s dancing an Irish jig. He has performed the jig in various venues including Britain’s Got Talent, 2009. When he dances (and does his sensational running demos) he wears a kilt; it is very short and resembles a mini-skirt. That’s a defrocked priest, then, in a skirt.

Take a punt

When times get tough, you can bet that gambling will step in to tempt us with better times ahead… if only my horse comes in first or my poker hand’s a winner. In Eire, Paddy Power has overtaken the Bank of Ireland to become the country’s eighth largest company. Gambling in the UK is a growing business, in particular online betting, never mind that it increases people’s isolation. But, whether gambling is done by bankers or punters, it amounts to the same thing. It’s gambling: only the size of the stake differs. For many, though, it ends in tears. Not that it’s always the people who do the betting who do the crying; most often it’s the poor bastard on the street who didn’t even have the pleasure of a flutter. It’s you and me.

BROKE

Feeling broke

'Nough to choke

Feeling blue

Purple hue

In the dumps

Got the hump

Porridge pale

Not in sail

A

Perfect sod

Of a god

Awful time

What's my crime?

Gi's a dime.

Crocodile in Peckham!

Is it safe to leave home? Is it safe to stay home? I’d put good money on there not being another neighbourhood in London where a crocodile could be found inhabiting a bath, although I do recall reading in the local press about a black panther that broke into a flat in Nunhead (a stone’s throw from Peckham). Yes, it can be wild around here, but not usually in a David Attenborough way.